Some people have told me that I spend a lot of my thinking time "in my own head." I admit, I can get veeerrry self-involved sometimes.
Last night, for example, I was pondering my relationships at this point in life, especially the intimate ones. At one point while I was doing laundry, my thoughts drifted to the one time I ever ended a relationship - with my first boyfriend Eddie when I was 16 - and how ugly it still feels almost 20 years after the fact.
That particular breakup, as early as it came in my gay (and dating) life, may have been one of the events that seriously damaged my relationship with my father. That will happen when somebody who's had your penis in his mouth once or twice makes random, borderline harassing phone calls to your phone number when you're not at home, but your father - convalescing after a severe diabetic episode - and your grandmother - who has told you she's convinced homosexuality is a conscious choice, and one she has issues with - are. And the only way to stop him is to scream bloody murder at him into the phone one fall Friday night... which gets him to stop calling, but also has him calling you "arrogant" and "inconsiderate" to your friends and anyone else who'll listen (not the biggest deal now at 34, but straight-up embarrassing at 16).
Since then, I've been the dumped instead of the dumper in large part - and it's a position that I much prefer. If (when?) I had to end a relationship now, would I even have the skill to navigate it without the drama and the harassment?
In other events, I'm looking forward to the Rewey fireworks tonight after work (and the jerk chicken I'm making for the potluck at Susan's beforehand) and some other busy-ness between now and my departure for MMF on Wednesday morning.
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