phreddd: (Default)
I needed to wear purple polar-fleece socks yesterday to remember some of this...

I know there's still a heavy amount of rage in me over my school years. In my case I seemed to catch hell before I even knew I was gay, with name-calling and ostracism that carried from the second or third grade, turning more decidedly hostile once I got to high school (and violent on several occasions, including getting beaten up pretty badly by a mob of neighborhood kids in front of my mother's apartment building when I was 14, the event that made moving back in with my dad - his heavy drinking and all - seem not so upsetting six months later). Add clearly not being "Black enough" for even the smart kids in most of the inner-city schools I attended - shitty at athletics, not the greatest dresser, too light-skinned, too flighty to the possible point of ADHD - on top of being queer, and you get not many, or at least not enough in my case, opportunities to hear that I was sufficient as I was, and a lot of opportunities for kids who didn't know me well at all to let me know where they thought I fell short of their standards, or - crueler still in my opinion - how they'd treat me better if I was only black OR gay, and not both (I remember a couple of black classmates telling me "If you were white, it'd be different" when I confronted them after hurling eggs at me while I was jogging on the indoor track at my high school.)

It was also possible to end up more than a little resistant to believing it when people (like an older cousin who was the first college graduate on my father's side of the family, and a schoolteacher - I hated her when I was a child, but she busted ass on my behalf at times!) actually DO let you know that you are quite capable of doing awesome things in life.

Fortunately for me, late in high school I started associating with people who saw that there isn't simply one path toward excellence and joy in life... and I've kept finding those people throughout the years since, and doing those small and large things to be as worthy as I could be of their trust and friendship (and some love, too).

I have no idea if any of this makes sense - it's just how I feel, and what I know.
phreddd: (real)
This is the beginning of a good thing - FUCK what **you** heard...

California's Prop. 8 ban on same-sex marriage ruled unconstitutional

Let the appeals begin!!
phreddd: (other southpark)
comedienne Wanda Sykes on gay marriage...

phreddd: (real)
I often think that gay male "culture" has less to offer me as I get older (and a bit more dysfunction) - yet at the same time I want to grab hold of it that much more when it seems to disappoint me the most, since the alternative would be to place far more of my faith in "straight," blah society than I think is deserved.About to rant - don't take it personal, please... )
phreddd: (Default)
The word "bittersweet" comes to mind on so many levels after Tuesday's vote here in Wisconsin. I'm glad a few more Democrats (incl. at least one new state Assembly member I hadn't planned on - YAY STEVE HILGENBERG FOR "THAWING" STEVE FREESE!!) got in, but another marriage amendment passes (It passed in Iowa County, where I currently live and vote, by 126 votes)...

As somebody who's lived in a few places, and was kinda ready to outstay my 4-year average, now I'm wondering why I should bother. I know John feels the same (Hell, he's only lived in this state 30 years, and been a homeowner for 28 of those years!! But he sucks dick -- usually mine-- so he and I are persona non grata in terms of having even minor legal protection for our relationship without jumping legal hoops last seen at Sea World.). Not that we were feeling marriage OR anything equivalent (Watching my parents up close during my childhood cured me of ever wanting as much as a stray hair from a marriage, thank you very much.), but to have such a healthy (not quite 60 percent) portion of the voters in the state where you earn your money and sleep most nights tell you that your preferred type of primary personal relationship is nothing hurts like hell!!

Legal challenges will follow, and I'll keep watching... whether I'll still be living in Wisconsin by the time there's a resolution remains to be seen, however.

I want to vomit (but at least I don't want quite so much to hurl a brick at anyone today - that said, folks with "One Man, One Woman"-type stickers on their cars had still better be careful...).
phreddd: (Default)
(The following statement was originally posted earlier today on the "Gay Men with Depression" tribe on Tribe as an answer to the question "What's so gay about depression?" - however, I decided to repost it here...)

In my case, it's these dueling feelings - that society sees me, "young and black and fine and gay" (to quote Audre Lorde), as a (varying degrees of) "valuable pelt"; but also that I have a cultural legacy/legacies that seem to have some social/commercial cachet that the larger culture wants little bits and pieces of. On top of that, I still have to try to live my own life, with all of the experiences (positive and negative) therein, within a society that has always preferred conformity to a strong degree despite platitudes and national constitutions claiming "freedom of..." or "freedom to..."

Everytime I have turned around, I get told or shown that my thoughts, my life, and my love of peace and comfort - and my feeling that others are entitled to the same - are less popular than I think it should be in this society that "liberty and justice" are supposed to be (on paper, at least) the bases of... and that lacking is something I take personally, maybe more than I probably should, to the point of letting it severely compromise the good relationships in my life - including the intimate ones with those men who love me and whom I should be loving as fully as I can in return.

Then again, not having been exposed to a sufficient amount of loving relationships in my much younger years (let alone loving relationshps involving someone of the same gender) and being overexposed to a lot of drama-bearing relationships that were less than healthy, how would I even know that you're supposed to REGULARLY do more than just say you love 'em and break off some dick-ass action every now and then? Of course, all that does is spread the bad feelings around, having the other partner(-s) wondering where things went wrong, if they were ever right to begin with.
phreddd: (Default)
I just feel like I get taken through some shit at times... challenged on a level I wasn't expecting when I woke up that particular morning. On those days, I take making it to bed in a place other than an alley or a jail as a victory.

Now, honestly there were some achievements today - the day at work began with me successfully programming a full set of cable remotes properly on the first attempt.

BUt there's also the memory of my final call of the day - damn near losing a customer's email through complete stubbornness!

This evening, John talked me into attending a debate on gay marriage... and I felt some heat all over the audience, and in me, too. It took a lot not to slide out of one of those Fluevogs and hurl it at the "gentleman" representing Focus on (Fucking Over) the Family - and by the way, I can now say that I have seen a haarrrrrrd right-winger wearing Birkenstocks (taupe suede Bostons, if you cared)! I can think of a few images more unsettling than that one... but for someone who watches politics and men's shoes, that was one I could've done without. The fact that he sounded like he was whining all throughout his speaking, trying to obscure or just shout down salient points by the other debater (and looked like a lesbian college professor, although the actual lesbian college professors in the theater probably wanted to beat him down about 15 minutes in) was equally unwelcome.
phreddd: (Default)
I spent last night pondering adulthood - I do it every time a discussion comes up of an issue that raises my anxiety level slightly. In this case, John (my primary/live-in boyfriend) tells me he has registered for a training session in our district on the marriage amendment that our state legislators (ASSHOLES!) were among the first signators to.

I always figured that being queer meant I was better (by a large amount) than marriage - that shit is for other people who just have to make babies and try to do the house/two kids/garage act. Now that 30 has come and gone and 35 is about to crash into me, I'm faced with a serious realization: I'm part of this world, and I've got to think about what I would want if I weren't able to be nearly as independent as I am - nearly as prone to "Peter Pan syndrome."

More than a few people (boyfriends included) have also pointed out to me that I might do well to file away those downright negative opinions of marriage (that I developed during a childhood spent watching my parents shout at each other from afar) in order to help the greater good. They all make a valid point. I'm just afraid that, if I do that, then I risk falling in with every gay couple who's ever tried to send my blood sugar through the roof by talking about rings, ceremonies, and sticking together for life. Am I ready to do that with ANYBODY?

Oh, well. Another day of work looms...

Profile

phreddd: (Default)
phreddd

September 2017

S M T W T F S
     1 2
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 04:01 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios