phreddd: (Default)
Back to hating my (short-staffed, wondering where the other people who aren't trying to weasel out of work went) job again...
phreddd: (Default)
Of course, I write about dealing with a customer who needed some sleep, and then I get no sleep that same night (Tuesday). It was awful, and I was awful to John - saying some things that I quickly regretted because my brain was in such an oxygen-deficient state of shock from the humidity that was still in the air, even with the dropping temperatures relative to the previous few days.

Called in sick yesterday (because most of my upper body was in screaming pain, and I really needed some sleep - go figure! - and got it eventually.), which ended up having the positive effect of giving me some time to unpack some more stuff from storage into the new bathroom.

I also finally got to use the sweet-if-compact new bathtub with jets and thangs built into it last night, accounting for the much improved sleep of last night and today's not-so-stiff neck and not-so-sour stomach.
phreddd: (Default)
Garden pizzas brimming with raw red onions... Fucks up your breath, but soooooooooo good.
phreddd: (other southpark)
Just finished tiling the bathroom floor with John - started about 10:30 this morning with lunch and beer breaks in between. Much like with the paint, we ran out mortar just at the end (so one shelf tile remains unattached as of right now, with grouting to commence sometime tomorrow evening or Tuesday).

I wanna sleep right now...
phreddd: (prowling lion)
The walls on the bathroom, kitchen, and "family room" have been drywalled and base-coated finally! We painted the bathroom last night - a color called "Azure Mist" (Big ol' bone to pick with John for going to Sprawl-Mart to purchase it, BTW.) that looks a lot like plain-old sky blue to me. BTW, one can of latex paint no longer goes quite as far as it used to in one compact space, as we scrambled to get those last little dips and drops of paint on by the end...

Anyway, working up that sweat eventually led to the best night of sleep I've had this week, given the humidity and such ( Not having laundry blocking part of the AC filter helped, too.). As a result, I'm in a somewhat good mood this morning, helped further by an instant-message session with my sister, with news that my nephew is still in one piece over in Baghdad - Hope/pray/what that it stays that way, because it's an escalating hot-ass mess over there of late if what "news" I've been following is any indication.
phreddd: (Default)
I was not ready for this holiday season... not even close.Major depression follows... )
phreddd: (Default)
Still kinda reeling from an email I got earlier this week after a weekend with my Minneapolis men - a very direct plea to get my shit together regarding my driving (after just missing some pedestrians while making a turn... and running a red light... and apparently hogging nearly every crosswalk I stopped at...) that seemed to only confirm that my prior decision to resume therapy was a good one.

This email was followed by a couple of phone calls with both Dave and Mark - both of whom are asserting that I should use today's stop at my therapist (a very positive - and necessary - visit in hindsight) as a gateway to much more intensive things, possibly with a prescription or two thrown in. We'll see about that; what I feel pretty sure of is that the relationships have changed a bit - for better or worse remains to be seen.
phreddd: (Default)
Been groggy all day - partly from the drudgery of dishwashing and wasting much time (when not washing dishes) online today.

Just showered, and finally (at 2:45pm) have boxers and a t-shirt on.
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I've been feeling very cranky as of late... like it's taking less and less to irritate me, and the sources of the irritation are people and places that used to bring me joy.

Truth be told, there's also one thing involved (my job) that hasn't always brought me much joy, but I still feel that this shouldn't be bothering me as much as I've let it.
phreddd: (Default)
(The following statement was originally posted earlier today on the "Gay Men with Depression" tribe on Tribe as an answer to the question "What's so gay about depression?" - however, I decided to repost it here...)

In my case, it's these dueling feelings - that society sees me, "young and black and fine and gay" (to quote Audre Lorde), as a (varying degrees of) "valuable pelt"; but also that I have a cultural legacy/legacies that seem to have some social/commercial cachet that the larger culture wants little bits and pieces of. On top of that, I still have to try to live my own life, with all of the experiences (positive and negative) therein, within a society that has always preferred conformity to a strong degree despite platitudes and national constitutions claiming "freedom of..." or "freedom to..."

Everytime I have turned around, I get told or shown that my thoughts, my life, and my love of peace and comfort - and my feeling that others are entitled to the same - are less popular than I think it should be in this society that "liberty and justice" are supposed to be (on paper, at least) the bases of... and that lacking is something I take personally, maybe more than I probably should, to the point of letting it severely compromise the good relationships in my life - including the intimate ones with those men who love me and whom I should be loving as fully as I can in return.

Then again, not having been exposed to a sufficient amount of loving relationships in my much younger years (let alone loving relationshps involving someone of the same gender) and being overexposed to a lot of drama-bearing relationships that were less than healthy, how would I even know that you're supposed to REGULARLY do more than just say you love 'em and break off some dick-ass action every now and then? Of course, all that does is spread the bad feelings around, having the other partner(-s) wondering where things went wrong, if they were ever right to begin with.
phreddd: (Default)
I just feel like I get taken through some shit at times... challenged on a level I wasn't expecting when I woke up that particular morning. On those days, I take making it to bed in a place other than an alley or a jail as a victory.

Now, honestly there were some achievements today - the day at work began with me successfully programming a full set of cable remotes properly on the first attempt.

BUt there's also the memory of my final call of the day - damn near losing a customer's email through complete stubbornness!

This evening, John talked me into attending a debate on gay marriage... and I felt some heat all over the audience, and in me, too. It took a lot not to slide out of one of those Fluevogs and hurl it at the "gentleman" representing Focus on (Fucking Over) the Family - and by the way, I can now say that I have seen a haarrrrrrd right-winger wearing Birkenstocks (taupe suede Bostons, if you cared)! I can think of a few images more unsettling than that one... but for someone who watches politics and men's shoes, that was one I could've done without. The fact that he sounded like he was whining all throughout his speaking, trying to obscure or just shout down salient points by the other debater (and looked like a lesbian college professor, although the actual lesbian college professors in the theater probably wanted to beat him down about 15 minutes in) was equally unwelcome.
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I understand that the forces of nature are as unpredictable as they come, but I still find remarkable all of the missteps in infrastructure planning that occurred that (akin to dominoes or something similar) landed on the people of the Gulf South region last week when Hurricane Katrina and subsequent flooding tore through. I am also disturbed by having to watch this turn into an opportunity to bash (mostly) poor, (mostly) brown-to-blue-black folks who had not much to begin with, and are now refugees within their own nation, for lack of a more adequate term.

I am also annoyed by the fact that my boyfriend has started every morning of this holiday weekend by breaking all his New Orleans music and putting it on blast when (for once) I wanted some peace and quiet after a week of media-induced noise pollution that has clearly affected my brain somehow. I love this music, but right now I'd rather hear nothing at all (especially since it only makes me think of all the New Orleans musicians whose homes and favored venues are now trashed for all time!).

If he's trying to even the score before football season hits full stride (and I'm sure to have game after game after game on blast on more than a few weekends), he has succeeded.



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September 2017

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