In my case, it's these dueling feelings - that society sees me, "young and black and fine and gay" (to quote Audre Lorde), as a (varying degrees of) "valuable pelt"; but also that I have a cultural legacy/legacies that seem to have some social/commercial cachet that the larger culture wants little bits and pieces of. On top of that, I still have to try to live my own life, with all of the experiences (positive and negative) therein, within a society that has always preferred conformity to a strong degree despite platitudes and national constitutions claiming "freedom of..." or "freedom to..."
Everytime I have turned around, I get told or shown that my thoughts, my life, and my love of peace and comfort - and my feeling that others are entitled to the same - are less popular than I think it should be in this society that "liberty and justice" are supposed to be (on paper, at least) the bases of... and that lacking is something I take personally, maybe more than I probably should, to the point of letting it severely compromise the good relationships in my life - including the intimate ones with those men who love me and whom I should be loving as fully as I can in return.
Then again, not having been exposed to a sufficient amount of loving relationships in my much younger years (let alone loving relationshps involving someone of the same gender) and being overexposed to a lot of drama-bearing relationships that were less than healthy, how would I even know that you're supposed to REGULARLY do more than just say you love 'em and break off some dick-ass action every now and then? Of course, all that does is spread the bad feelings around, having the other partner(-s) wondering where things went wrong, if they were ever right to begin with.
Dave called (thankfully after "Desperate Housewives" was over), and we had a heart-reaching little talk about colds and home maintenance; basically, he feels like I do on the leaky roof situation - that something has to be done before too long, or else I should sell John on the idea of selling the house. Also, we agreed on the feeling that trying to do all that is necessary to get needs met is a trip!!
Now, honestly there were some achievements today - the day at work began with me successfully programming a full set of cable remotes properly on the first attempt.
BUt there's also the memory of my final call of the day - damn near losing a customer's email through complete stubbornness!
This evening, John talked me into attending a debate on gay marriage... and I felt some heat all over the audience, and in me, too. It took a lot not to slide out of one of those Fluevogs and hurl it at the "gentleman" representing Focus on (Fucking Over) the Family - and by the way, I can now say that I have seen a haarrrrrrd right-winger wearing Birkenstocks (taupe suede Bostons, if you cared)! I can think of a few images more unsettling than that one... but for someone who watches politics and men's shoes, that was one I could've done without. The fact that he sounded like he was whining all throughout his speaking, trying to obscure or just shout down salient points by the other debater (and looked like a lesbian college professor, although the actual lesbian college professors in the theater probably wanted to beat him down about 15 minutes in) was equally unwelcome.
Trying to start getting to sleep earlier again (after getting amild chewing-out by my boss for a month or so of frequent lateness; he won't write me up, but he made it clear that getting my shit together in general wouldn't hurt!), and adjusting to trading off some responsibilities in exchange for others. As if I needed another reminder that I need to plan ahead on a regular basis...
In better news, a writer friend that I had lost contact with until I found a copy of a book of his over the summer finally replied to my email (If you're reading, thanks Kirk! I'll get back to you soon.)
I am also annoyed by the fact that my boyfriend has started every morning of this holiday weekend by breaking all his New Orleans music and putting it on blast when (for once) I wanted some peace and quiet after a week of media-induced noise pollution that has clearly affected my brain somehow. I love this music, but right now I'd rather hear nothing at all (especially since it only makes me think of all the New Orleans musicians whose homes and favored venues are now trashed for all time!).
If he's trying to even the score before football season hits full stride (and I'm sure to have game after game after game on blast on more than a few weekends), he has succeeded.
P.S. J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS!!!!
Last night, for example, I was pondering my relationships at this point in life, especially the intimate ones. At one point while I was doing laundry, my thoughts drifted to the one time I ever ended a relationship - with my first boyfriend Eddie when I was 16 - and how ugly it still feels almost 20 years after the fact.
That particular breakup, as early as it came in my gay (and dating) life, may have been one of the events that seriously damaged my relationship with my father. That will happen when somebody who's had your penis in his mouth once or twice makes random, borderline harassing phone calls to your phone number when you're not at home, but your father - convalescing after a severe diabetic episode - and your grandmother - who has told you she's convinced homosexuality is a conscious choice, and one she has issues with - are. And the only way to stop him is to scream bloody murder at him into the phone one fall Friday night... which gets him to stop calling, but also has him calling you "arrogant" and "inconsiderate" to your friends and anyone else who'll listen (not the biggest deal now at 34, but straight-up embarrassing at 16).
Since then, I've been the dumped instead of the dumper in large part - and it's a position that I much prefer. If (when?) I had to end a relationship now, would I even have the skill to navigate it without the drama and the harassment?
In other events, I'm looking forward to the Rewey fireworks tonight after work (and the jerk chicken I'm making for the potluck at Susan's beforehand) and some other busy-ness between now and my departure for MMF on Wednesday morning.
Franklin Street in Chapel Hill is a cool little place to spend some time; I've got to plan another trip down here to see more of the area, and maybe a side trip to the beaches as well.).
Flipping channels this morning, I caught a local Raleigh anchorman named Bill Leslie, who I intend on having verrry dirty thoughts about for at least a week.
Too bad John and I are flying back to Wisconsin in a few hours...
All the planning (paperwork, keys, ID)...
Remembering that Nana was tight when she said you should start two days ahead, at least (which would be today, naturally, in this case)...
Figuring out which luggage works best (I bought new luggage last week at Target, so there'll be a "fresh meat" factor at least.)...
Trying to calm down my traveling companion...
...and most importantly, figuring out what shoes to bring.
Granted, I have given some consideration to trimming the meat intake somewhat. Vegan, however, is just not a place I want to go - I like steak and milkshakes too much for that! (Speaking of vegetables, we warmed up the sweet potato fries from the other night at Chandler's on the grill last night as a side. They were still awesome!)
Also, today would have been my father's 72nd birthday. I couldn't stand how he did us kids (or my mom) sometimes, but I loved him, and I miss him.